Not another mommy essay… May 7, 2009

As a mother and a writer I often resent the implications that I somehow must limit my writings and thoughts to motherhood – as if I have no more valid experiences that are worthy to mention. Despite the explosion of mom lit that has occurred over these past few years (or maybe I just notice it more now that I am a mother) I am not sure that I really need to read about a mother’s sleepless nights or the struggles she may have at the dinner table. I don’t want to limit my writing to these subjects.

Yet it seems there are many pulls towards keeping some sort of mommy journal that excessively details the lives of my children. And while I don’t want to forget many moments of their lives (although there are already so many that are long gone) I also don’t believe in obsessively documenting every poopy diaper or runny nose in order to share these momentous occurences with others.

While many mommy essayists have a beautiful way of tying their personal experience into a larger, more prosaic picture of child rearing or human behavior – many writers instead seem to focus on whining about how difficulty and horribly un-stimulating motherhood is – to these I say “what exactly did you expect?”

So, while I do write about my children I want to move beyond, to deeper thoughts and connections, and experiences. I would like to write about the whole me and not only one small fraction of my already fragmented self…

Looking for a few good writers… July 16, 2008

I am feeling frustrated of late as I sit and try to find some fellow writers to connect with. I have joined some of the “mommy writer” listservs, but they are too centered on being a mommy. Yes, I already know that I am a mommy and just sitting around and dissing about the absurdities that fill my day – do absolutley nothing for my writing. I would like a little more focus on the craft, and a little less focus on the diaper changes.

The other frustrating thing about these groups are that many of them were established ages ago, and have about one million members, so that there is really no accounting, or welcoming, or acknowledging of new members. Therefore, many of the posts are centered on inside jokes, or are the tell all emails to the entire group, that I am not really sure that I need to be reading.

Anyway, I would love to be part of a community, of serious (yet fun-loving – if that isn’t too contradictory) women (mothers or not) who have a passion for writing and are searching for ways to move their writing forward. As of the moment I am still looking! However, my idea for the fall is to put a ”call to arms” (otherwise known as an advertisement) in our community paper and see if I can kick start a writing group, and see where it leads me to. I figure if you can’t join ‘em you might as well beat ‘em, or something to that effect…

What are we celebrating? December 13, 2007

What happened to children’s birthday parties?  Whatever happened to having some kids over to your house, or your backyard (maybe to the bowling alley or a movie if you were lucky), playing pin the tail on the donkey, having cake and ice cream, and calling it a day?  When did things change?  I guess it was somewhere between the time I turned twelve and when my daughter started going to birthday parties, which was about six months ago. 

You’ve come a long way humble birthday party!  In all fairness to the birthday party I do live in Manhattan where things are often larger than life and space is at a premium so it is not always possible to have a party in your own home.  However, it seems like kiddie birthday parties are a big thing everywhere – according to the amount of coverage it receives in national magazines. 

This is my first year of the “birthday party”.  My daughter is only four so we are at the cusp of the madness that might descend upon us when it comes to birthday parties.  At least the type of party that is expected of you from the preschool crowd.  First of all it has become necessary to invite the entire class (at 20 kids in my daughter’s class this seems like sheer lunacy) because heaven forbid you would want to upset a child.  Some parents do try to circumvent this by inviting only “all the girls”, or “all the boys” in the class.  It has also become a necessity to invite siblings – both younger and older – and hey, why not bring along both mom and dad at the same time.  This leads to massive amounts, of what I consider to be, “unnecessary people”; a ridiculous amount of junky toys that are disguised as gifts; and turns a four year old’s birthday party into an event that parallels my wedding for the amount of planning that went into the “big day”.

The preschool that my daughter attends suggests that “young children can not handle large parties, therefore it is best to invite two or three friends and to keep activities to a minimum”.  As an educator I agree.  However, it appears that none of the preschool parents listen – as they continue to invite the entire class, and siblings, and parents to the blessed celebration.  The venues tend to become a little crazier each year as well - puppet theaters, painting studio, gymnastics studios, Build-a-Bear.  One family I know rented out a disco for the their daughter’s fifth birthday.  Close to 100 people were there – there was a candy and ice cream bar for children, an open bar for parents, disco dancing lessons, make-up stations – which is all ridiculously ostentatious.  I shudder to think at what the plans might be for her 16th birthday!

I am all for small family celebrations with a few close friends.  Doing dorky things like decorating cupcakes together, and choosing a special meal to cook and eat.   A birthday should definitely be a celebration – but it should have more to do with how your child came into your life – sharing birth stories, or stories from what it felt like the first time you held your child, looking through photo albums together and talking about funny moments from different years – creating a time line, scrapbook or journal that you and your child can add to each year and remark upon the growth – that is what birthdays are all about.  Not the pile of presents, or the over the top party that leaves everyone exhausted, and cranky, and definitely does not honor the child – but only leaves a funny taste in your mouth…. 

Parenting Woes – Juice vs. Water November 29, 2007

I am tired of the discussions that I constantly overhear during drop off at my daughter’s preschool.  For this express reason I have started arriving later and later.  Yesterday I breezed in precisely at 2:30 – just as the children were being let out, but still managed to somehow overhear the insanity!

I have no idea why people become so emotionally attached to what they perceive as being the correct way to parent.  Bizarre topics that have been covered so far – TV (and the moral superiority of those who either don’t have TVs or who don’t allow their children to watch TV – I will save this pet peeve for another post); McDonald’s (and what an evil empire it is); Ferberizing (yet another pet peeve); playdates (why young children need to have a constantly booked schedule is beyond me).  However, it is the inane topic that was under discussion that really drives me crazy – the whole juice-is-evil-and-must-be-kept-under-lock-and-key-never-to-emerge argument.  Which like many of the others listed above should just be put to rest.

One parent who’s children are new to the full day program have apparently been “hounding” their mother to put juice boxes in their lunch cases.  The claim behind this request is that “everyone else has a juice box”.  I sort of just shrug this comment off as my child is one of “those” who has a juice box in her lunch everyday.  One other smug parent has to make the statement that “this obviously cannot be true as her son has water everyday in his lunch”.  I don’t know why this statement bothered me, but it just did.  The implication behind it is that I obviously have no clue what or how to feed children and that clearly by serving my daughter juice everyday I am leading her down the path of either obesity or severe tooth decay.

Let me just say this.  I am a vegan.  I am very conscious of what I put in my mouth and in the mouth’s of my children.  I give my daughter juice, but who the hell really cares.  I don’t condemn what other mother’s feed their children – at least not to their face.  The same mother who so proudly ensures that her son drinks only water at lunch also ensures that he has some sort of cold cut sandwich and a Kellogg’s Nutri-Grain bar everyday -so really where exactly does juice fit on this scale?

For the record I am aware of high fructose corn syrup and the other crap that goes into what passes for “food” and “juice” in the supermarket.  For this reason I do a ton of baking, and cooking, and juicing, and shop at health food stores.  The juice I let my children drink is all natural and the only sugar it has is the natural stuff already found in fruit.  Plus, at home I dilute the juice with water – so there!

Writing out of frustration, rather than any intent to illustrate my superiority as a parent.  Some things I do well, some things not so well.  That is life – and I don’t shove my practices in the face of others -so why don’t we all try to grow up and do the same – unless of course someone asks for advice or direction!