Rules to live by… March 5, 2009

I am not sure where I found these rules, they are something I have had taped above my desk, forever. I haven’t posted in a  long while – I have been trying to ignore the elephant in the room  – a.k.a. my dissertation – which has, as promised by legions of other doctoral students, taken over most of my waking moments! However, I want to, in fact I need to, commit to posting at least twice a week – my brain needs a rest from researching the “borrowing and lending of early childhood education programs in post-socialist countries” – or at least I think that is what my dissertation is supposed to be about…

Rules to live by

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Memorize your favorite poem.

3.Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.

4. Talk slowly, but think quickly.

5. Remember that great love and great achievement involve great risk.

6. When you lose – don’t lose the lesson.

7. Remember the three R’s – respect for self, respect for others, responsibility for your actions.

8. Spend some time alone.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Read between the lines.

11. Read more books and watch less T.V.

Don’t Give Up on the Boys July 19, 2008

My son is 2 1/2. He is the sweetest, cuddliest thing around. Way more cuddly than my daughter was at this age – he still wants to get into bed and snuggle in the morning, which usually gains me an extra 30 -45 minutes of sleep – which I am all for. He also just comes over to me during the day and wants to sit on my lap – with his pacifier in mouth and his head on my shoulder, he is still my little babe…

I want to remember this time for when he is 15 and 16 years old and struggling to put as much space between me and himself as he possibly can, and I don’t want to remember this in order to embarrass him, but instead to remind me that he isn’t all gruff talk and gangling limbs – that underneath all that adolescent awkwardness and angst – he remains a sweet, and sensitive, and confused child. I think too often we just let our boys drift – we go all psycho on our daughters and all of a sudden over analyze their every move and action once they hit about 14, but somehow boys are able to drift right along. 

As I teacher I heard over and over again “Oh, he’s just acting like a boy”, “Boys, will be boys”, which are such hollow empty phrases – when our boys really do deserve better. This attitude is like giving a child a free pass to behave however they want. I don’t agree. I think as a whole we need to hold our boys to higher standards and also keep them closer…

My mother recently acknowledged that she should have spent more time worrying about my brother. She wishes that she had made more time for him, to get to know him better. He is 36 now and married, and while he and my mother do have a relationship, so much of it is simply cordial – there isn’t that knowledge there that comes with asking the deep questions and taking the time to listen.

My brother turned out fine and all that, but it was always my sister and I who were the recipients of those “talks” – which lasted well into adulthood and for the most part which I guess I finally outgrew when I became a mother myself – maybe it was because I finally started behaving better, who knows.  However, my mother and I still talk a lot, about everything under the sun, and maybe part of it can be explained away because as women we do go through similar experiences, but I think if you take that position it is too easy of a cop-out.

The point is my mother regrets all those years when my brother was lost to her – he was always a good kid, played hockey, stayed above water in school – but if he tended to drift around on the weekends, or missed his curfew, or slept most of the day – there was nothing…

I don’t want to be in this position with my son…

Looking for a few good writers… July 16, 2008

I am feeling frustrated of late as I sit and try to find some fellow writers to connect with. I have joined some of the “mommy writer” listservs, but they are too centered on being a mommy. Yes, I already know that I am a mommy and just sitting around and dissing about the absurdities that fill my day – do absolutley nothing for my writing. I would like a little more focus on the craft, and a little less focus on the diaper changes.

The other frustrating thing about these groups are that many of them were established ages ago, and have about one million members, so that there is really no accounting, or welcoming, or acknowledging of new members. Therefore, many of the posts are centered on inside jokes, or are the tell all emails to the entire group, that I am not really sure that I need to be reading.

Anyway, I would love to be part of a community, of serious (yet fun-loving – if that isn’t too contradictory) women (mothers or not) who have a passion for writing and are searching for ways to move their writing forward. As of the moment I am still looking! However, my idea for the fall is to put a ”call to arms” (otherwise known as an advertisement) in our community paper and see if I can kick start a writing group, and see where it leads me to. I figure if you can’t join ‘em you might as well beat ‘em, or something to that effect…

Popcorn 101 February 10, 2008

I love popcorn!  (The kind you make at home, not the stuff they serve at movie theatres).  There is something about making popcorn that makes one feel young again.  Maybe it is because I have memories of the popcorn maker and how excited we would get as kids when my mom would bring out the blessed appliance!  The first one we had was one of the dome ones – where you used oil and melted butter on the top while it was popping.  We then updated to an airpopper – and we almost held our breath until the popped corn came rushing out the funnel.  The advent of microwave popcorn took something away from the entire experience, plus it just didn’t taste fresh.  Popcorn all of a sudden became just another processed food filled with strange chemicals and additives – instead, of a special treat.

Lately there has been a bit of “popcorn renaissance” going on at my house.  I have thrown out the microwave popcorn and have returned to the good old days of making popcorn in a large pot, with oil, on the stove.  I have also been playing with toppings other than simply “butter and salt”.  I have listed some of my favorite recipes below.  So go pop some corn, snuggle into the couch, and enjoy this mid-winter break!

My Personal Favorite

Plain and simple!  I melt a little Earth Balance and then toss it onto the popped corn and then sprinkle a little nutritional yeast on top – mix – and eat! You could also try spraying the popcorn with olive oil – you just need something so the yeast will stick to the kernels.

Spicy Parmesan Popcorn (The Garden of Vegan – Tanya Barnard & Sarah Kramer)

A very grown up way to enjoy popcorn!  Delicious and nutritious! 

1/4 cup flax oil

2 tsp spice mix (2 tbsp chili powder; 2 tsp onion powder; 2 tsp cumin; 2 tsp garlic powder; 2 tsp oregano; 1 tsp paprika; 1 tsp salt; 1/2 tsp cayenne).

1/3 cup soy Parmesan cheese

large bowl of popped corn.

Stir the flax oil and spice mix together first; add to popcorn; then add Parmesan and mix. 

Ooey-Gooey, Feeling Sorry for Yourself on a Saturday Night Popcorn

Shredded soy cheddar cheese

Earth Balance Spread

Salt

Popped Corn

You might have to play with the quantities until you have the proportions right.  The amount of cheese and Earth Balance I use seems to vary with how sorry for myself I am feeling.  Place soy cheddar and earth balance in microwave, heat until melted, pour over popped corn.  Add salt to taste.

Don’t Be Afraid of the Cold… January 22, 2008

I haven’t been running lately.  It all started just before Thanksgiving when I awoke with a sniffly nose and congestion in my chest.  My breathing was somewhat labored – enough to let me know that I shouldn’t go for a run that day.  So, took the week off – tried to move and walk as  much as I could – things stayed together, somewhat….

Headed into Thanksgiving – wham!  Hit by another sniffle, cold, annoying thing.  Not enough to be fully incapacitated – but enough to limit my activity.  Took another week off.  This time we were in the Adirondacks – not as much opportunity to move when you have two young children in tow.  They are too little to skate, or ski.  We walked a little bit, and played outside a little bit more.  Mostly we sat around and ate and drank (my husband and I drank, not the kids) - not the best fitness strategy, but hey I figured I would be back in business next week.  So, I took another week off from running.

And then December happened, and along came something very unusual.  In those two short weeks when I was down for the count with some silly sniffling thing – I forgot to make room for running in my life.  Sure, I was busy running around – sending out queries, baking cookies, buying presents, mailing cards – but somehow running simply dropped from my list of things “to do”.  Now, I have been running for 18 years – I have a long and convoluted love relationship with my running.  It is me.  It is what I love to do.  Running has always been there for me – carrying me through crazy times, happy times, sad times.  It is generally not something that I forget to do!  How on earth did I replace my deep and committed running relationship with the sordidness of holiday busyness!

It just happened.  It snuck up on me so slowly that it took me six weeks to even notice that running was missing.  For the past four years, since the birth of our first child, Saturday morning has become about me busily negotiating with my husband as to when, and for how long, I can fit a run in that will coincide with all of the weekend plans that we need to accomplish as a family.  Then suddenly one Saturday I awoke and realized that it had been an awfully long time since I had participated in the those negotiations.  A two week sniffle – had turned into a six week lapse. 

Then I read the article in the New York Times this past Friday –  ”Too Cold to Exercise?  Try Another Excuse”, written by Gina Kulata.  The title pretty much sums up the substance of the article.  In other words, it has to get pretty darn cold for you to use it as an excuse to exercise outside in the winter – no, your lungs will not freeze, and yes, you should always where a hat.   And then I realized that is exactly what I had been doing.  I was born and raised in the Canadian West and am no stranger to cold.  I used to play hockey outside with my brother until my toes and fingers were frozen and then only come inside for a quick hot chocolate and then head out again.  However, I had to admit that living in NYC these past few years had turned me into a softie.  I had missed the great outdoors.  That is where I love to run.  Treadmills are okay in a pinch, like maybe a torrential rain storm – but really my instinct has always to be outside – with the wind in my face, and the pavement pounding at my feet.

 So, I hit the great outdoors with a vengeance this past weekend!  Temperatures in the Adirondacks dipped to below zero (yes, that is below zero in Fahrenheit, not Celsius) – good old Canadain winter type temperatures!  And there I was.  Heading onto the road – bundled up somewhat – a little cold at first – but before I knew it I was running, and warming up, and giggling to myself, and reminding myself that this 38 year old body could definitely feel like a child again!

It feels good to be reunited with my running.  I am a better person when I run.  A better mother, a better wife, a better writer, a better daughter, a better sister.  It is as if running unites all the roles and responsibilities that make up my being and unites them into one.  I cannot explain it, but it sure feels good to have rediscovered it.  

Every Woman Should Have & Should Know by the Time She is 30… January 1, 2008

As I read through my old journals this morning in an attempt to find any material that might inspire, I found the following lists.  It was originally published in GlamourMagazine (1997) by Pamela Redmond Satran.  It has also made it rounds as an electronic chain letter over the years.  I find the list poignant in an odd sort of way – a lot of truth lies behind these little words.  Plus, now that I am over 30 by some years it is comforting to realize that I do indeed have more, and know more than I thought I did!  I hope they might serve to inspire and motivate as we march into 2008!

Every Woman Should Have by the Time She is 30…

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you have come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place of your own, even if you never want to, or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you are not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you are content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough you are looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realisation that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start in a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better after 30.

What Every Woman Should Know by the Time She is 30…

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and would not like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you would never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you will get it.
8. That you cannot change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
9. That you childhood may not have been perfect, but it is over.
10. What you would and would not do for love.
11. How to live alone, even if you do not like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you cannot, and why you should not take it personally.
13. Where to go – be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods – when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and cannot accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30!

Mommy athletes? December 26, 2007

I have always considered myself an athlete.  I grew up playing sports, in an era when women were not always applauded for their athletic prowess.  I played softball in the spring and summer and hockey and ringette in the fall and winter.  All through high-school I was either training, or practicing, or playing, or eventually coaching in my senior year.  I attended a college where the only sports open to female athletes were: gymnastics, volleyball, basketball, swimming, and track & field.  None of which I was able to participate in at a competitive level – given my athletic background.  So, I joined the intramural women’s hockey team – where we played different faculty departments and sororities.  Some of the players were competitive, but for the most part it was difficult breaking a sweat.

I graduated from college and put my skates, gloves, pucks, and softballs away.  It was time to grow up, or at least that was the message I received from the rest of society.  I had reached the point in my life where as I had no intention of pursuing athletics professionally (due to limited opportunities) I must shed all vestiges of enjoyment in moving my body to become a grown up.  It’s as if now that you are an adult you aren’t allowed to have fun anymore – instead you have to do boring things like join a gym and count fat grams and mature stuff like that – instead of just listening and feeling your body respond. 

As I near the age of forty I am beginning to slowly regain my athleticism.  I have joined gyms in the past, but have never lasted long.  Part of it is the sheer boredom that is found in repetitive exercise machines, plus the fact that I felt trapped in the great indoors!  I started running in my early 20’s.  It was cheap, easy, and I could do it anywhere and according to my own schedule.  I started running in competitive races – I never placed in my age group – but I slowly noticed an improvement in my times.  I trained for two marathons – but blew my back out training for the first one – and found myself pregnant while training for the second.  So I decided I should stick to the half marathon – a distance where I can actually see an improvement – I think I would run one marathon and be done with it!

I also believe that having children can increase our athleticism.  I see this as our daughter approaches the age of four.  She has taken a couple of ice skating lessons, and we are heading out to the ski hill this weekend.  I grew up in the Rockies and when I moved to NYC had pretty much given up on the idea that I would ever ski again.  However, for Christmas I received a new pair of skis and skates – so I am all set to get things started again.  It will be exciting to see my children grow into their abilities. 

Skating around the outdoor rink this afternoon made me think of the first time that I set out to skate.  Thinking I would hit the ice like my idol, Dorothy Hamill.  I hit the ice of course – but not quite what I expected.  Anyways, it was a great feeling to see the joy in my daughter’s eyes as she did her best to do her version of skating.  I want to have that feeling again.  Forget about all those grown up things I am heading outside to play…

The Trouble with Home-Cooked Meals… December 17, 2007

Why do I do, what I do?  Why do I insist on cooking almost every night for my children (one four year old and one 20 month old)?  Why do I believe it is important for my children to be exposed to good food?  To sit down with them at the table and share a meal?  To involve them in the cooking process as much as they are able to participate?

Some nights things run as smoothly as possible.  The children are engaged in some sort of activity – playing well together – I am in the kitchen dicing, and slicing, and sauteing, and whatever else it is that I do in order to get some sort of delicious home cooked food on the table in time for dinner.  More often than not it is bedlam in the area I call the kitchen – and not always of the disastrous sort – just enough craziness that it feels like I am up against something.  Not the smooth kind of cooking that takes place on TV shows, or the Food Network.  I have always thought that a wonderful reality/cooking show would be to film a mother who comes in the door at around 3:30 or 4:00 and must have a delicious meal on the table by 5:30 – meanwhile her children are flinging themselves at her and around the kitchen as she attempts to put something together.  Move over Rachel Ray and those 30 minute meals that always take way longer than 30 minutes to make!

I digress.  Meal prep at my house usually involves a variety of different stages.  Sometimes I actually start cooking dinner when I get up in the morning – or at least I try to get some of the work done at that time.  Chop an onion, chop some vegetables, put the tofu in the marinade, put all the dry ingredients in one bowl and the wet ingredients in another so all I have to do when I get home is throw them together, or what ever else I can do to reduce the time it takes me to get dinner cooking.  Of course, that only happens on the days when I am organized, on the days when I actually know what we are going to have for dinner before I walk in the door.  Many days it is 3:00 and I am heading for home and I have absolutely no idea what groceries we might have in the refrigerator, let alone what I might concoct for dinner. 

To add to the confusion I am the kind of shopper that goes to the grocery store everyday.  Okay, maybe every second day – but you get the picture.  I like to have fresh produce.  I might have an idea of what kind of food I want to eat a couple days of head, but I don’t think I have the ability to plan out a weeks worth of menus in one shot – although that is my resolution for the coming year so I will check in with more on that later!  I am not the kind that is able to stock pile my refrigerator and freezer with food items.  I have a minimum amount – but have never really caught onto the processed food thing.  Both my sister and my mother have two refrigerators and a deep freeze.  These various contraptions are always FULL!  I have no idea what they have in there, but it kind of scares me.  They are both Costco goers and like to buy in bulk (not that there is anything wrong with that), but I swear they have enough food in there homes to last for at least a year. 

The other issue is – I am a “crash and burn” type of cook.  My husband (who is a classically trained French chef) can whip up a multi-course meal and leave only one bowl in the sink that needs to be cleaned.  If it weren’t for the smells emitting from the oven there is scant evidence that anyone has even cooked a meal.  Myself, on the other hand, leave plenty of evidence that the kitchen has not only been used, but is also well loved.  I generally use every bowl in the kitchen, leave a trail of something snaking across the counter-top or the stove, breadcrumbs or flour invariably spill from their containers, and a variety of other messes all add to the ambiance.  My reasoning is that I only have about 20 minutes to throw a meal together without being bombarded by one or both of the children – therefore, I do not have time to deal with minutiae – like stopping to wipe the counters, or rinse out the blender.  I save that for my housekeeper (oh wait, that is me  too!).

Anyways, enough babbling.  I love to cook.  I enjoy experimenting with foods and flavors – however, my children are not quite at that stage where they are interested in experimenting with their food.  I do have an idea of what my children will eat, so I am able to branch out from there – but sometimes I feel like maybe I should throw in the towel.  Heck, I live in NYC and can get anything delivered to my apartment.  Why don’t I develop a relationship with the drawerful of delivery menus in the front hall table.  But somewhere deep down inside I want better.  Restaurant food tastes okay for awhile – then it is all the same.  Plus, I hate to pay money for something that I know I could have cooked better. 

So what exactly is my point here.  Heading back to my original questions – why do I bother?  I bother because I believe children should eat good food – it doesn’t have to be fancy – but it needs to satisfy.  I believe that children should be involved in food preparation and some nights mine engage fully.  Setting the table, putting pickles in a bowl, spinning and ripping the salad greens.  I believe that taking the time to cook a meal satisfies on so many levels – it is a way to take some time out of your day and sit down and share - or that is at least the romantic notion I carry around in my head.  Some nights we are close to attaining this – all munching and talking away in unison.  Some nights there are turned up noses, and crossed arms, and “This is yucky.  I want noodles”  Which is tough to hear when you have spent time cooking a meal – but I don’t give in – but they are always welcome to eat bread and butter.  I believe that someday we will get there…

What are we celebrating? December 13, 2007

What happened to children’s birthday parties?  Whatever happened to having some kids over to your house, or your backyard (maybe to the bowling alley or a movie if you were lucky), playing pin the tail on the donkey, having cake and ice cream, and calling it a day?  When did things change?  I guess it was somewhere between the time I turned twelve and when my daughter started going to birthday parties, which was about six months ago. 

You’ve come a long way humble birthday party!  In all fairness to the birthday party I do live in Manhattan where things are often larger than life and space is at a premium so it is not always possible to have a party in your own home.  However, it seems like kiddie birthday parties are a big thing everywhere – according to the amount of coverage it receives in national magazines. 

This is my first year of the “birthday party”.  My daughter is only four so we are at the cusp of the madness that might descend upon us when it comes to birthday parties.  At least the type of party that is expected of you from the preschool crowd.  First of all it has become necessary to invite the entire class (at 20 kids in my daughter’s class this seems like sheer lunacy) because heaven forbid you would want to upset a child.  Some parents do try to circumvent this by inviting only “all the girls”, or “all the boys” in the class.  It has also become a necessity to invite siblings – both younger and older – and hey, why not bring along both mom and dad at the same time.  This leads to massive amounts, of what I consider to be, “unnecessary people”; a ridiculous amount of junky toys that are disguised as gifts; and turns a four year old’s birthday party into an event that parallels my wedding for the amount of planning that went into the “big day”.

The preschool that my daughter attends suggests that “young children can not handle large parties, therefore it is best to invite two or three friends and to keep activities to a minimum”.  As an educator I agree.  However, it appears that none of the preschool parents listen – as they continue to invite the entire class, and siblings, and parents to the blessed celebration.  The venues tend to become a little crazier each year as well - puppet theaters, painting studio, gymnastics studios, Build-a-Bear.  One family I know rented out a disco for the their daughter’s fifth birthday.  Close to 100 people were there – there was a candy and ice cream bar for children, an open bar for parents, disco dancing lessons, make-up stations – which is all ridiculously ostentatious.  I shudder to think at what the plans might be for her 16th birthday!

I am all for small family celebrations with a few close friends.  Doing dorky things like decorating cupcakes together, and choosing a special meal to cook and eat.   A birthday should definitely be a celebration – but it should have more to do with how your child came into your life – sharing birth stories, or stories from what it felt like the first time you held your child, looking through photo albums together and talking about funny moments from different years – creating a time line, scrapbook or journal that you and your child can add to each year and remark upon the growth – that is what birthdays are all about.  Not the pile of presents, or the over the top party that leaves everyone exhausted, and cranky, and definitely does not honor the child – but only leaves a funny taste in your mouth…. 

Tonight’s the night… December 10, 2007

…for Tofurkey!  Yes, that is right.  I finally manged to get around to cooking the Tofurkey dinner that I have had in my refrigerator since Thanksgiving.  And guess what?  I should have left it in the refrigerator until next Thanksgiving.  Thank goodness the entire meal only cost me $14.99.  Also, thank goodness my husband wasn’t around to witness the debacle – though I might have to send my poor children to counseling to recover from the experience.  Yes, it was that bad…

I was disappointed.  I wanted Tofurkey to withstand all the jokes that are thrown its way.  Tofurkey has somehow become the one vegan/vegetarian product that everyone is familiar with.  It is the one item that my non-vegan friends taunt and tease me with – I guess in its own weird way Tofurkey is sort of like Spam – it doesn’t get a great deal of respect.  I know people that love Tofurkey – which was the reason I went with it.  I ordered it for Thanksgiving and then forgot to take it to the cabin.  It had since taken up residence in my refrigerator and I could finally stand it no longer, I was ready to take the plunge…

It tasted so artificial.  I guess that was my biggest disappointment.  I am not sure what I expected it to taste like – but with a list of ingredients an arm’s length long – it wasn’t surprising that it didn’t taste like any real food that I know.  It did bring back memories, buried long ago from my childhood, when my parents would go out for the evening and leave the sitter in charge of putting Swanson’s TV Dinners in the oven.  It had that same sort of fake, processed, mystery ingredient taste. 

The entire experience really just underscored my long held grudge against processed foods – especially organic and all natural “processed” foods – that they are still processed no matter what the quality of the ingredients are – and are therefore, expected to have a long life span – and in the end do you really want to put all those ingredients in your body – natural or not!  Plus, it was all just so weird – eating a product made of non-animal products that was designed to replace and to look like an animal product.  Does that make sense?  I think I will stick to my vegetables, and fruits, and grains, in combinations that leave them with a resemblence to what they might look like in nature.  May the Tofurkey rest in peace, at least in this household…