Don’t Give Up on the Boys July 19, 2008

My son is 2 1/2. He is the sweetest, cuddliest thing around. Way more cuddly than my daughter was at this age - he still wants to get into bed and snuggle in the morning, which usually gains me an extra 30 -45 minutes of sleep - which I am all for. He also just comes over to me during the day and wants to sit on my lap - with his pacifier in mouth and his head on my shoulder, he is still my little babe…

I want to remember this time for when he is 15 and 16 years old and struggling to put as much space between me and himself as he possibly can, and I don’t want to remember this in order to embarrass him, but instead to remind me that he isn’t all gruff talk and gangling limbs - that underneath all that adolescent awkwardness and angst - he remains a sweet, and sensitive, and confused child. I think too often we just let our boys drift - we go all psycho on our daughters and all of a sudden over analyze their every move and action once they hit about 14, but somehow boys are able to drift right along. 

As I teacher I heard over and over again “Oh, he’s just acting like a boy”, “Boys, will be boys”, which are such hollow empty phrases - when our boys really do deserve better. This attitude is like giving a child a free pass to behave however they want. I don’t agree. I think as a whole we need to hold our boys to higher standards and also keep them closer…

My mother recently acknowledged that she should have spent more time worrying about my brother. She wishes that she had made more time for him, to get to know him better. He is 36 now and married, and while he and my mother do have a relationship, so much of it is simply cordial - there isn’t that knowledge there that comes with asking the deep questions and taking the time to listen.

My brother turned out fine and all that, but it was always my sister and I who were the recipients of those “talks” - which lasted well into adulthood and for the most part which I guess I finally outgrew when I became a mother myself - maybe it was because I finally started behaving better, who knows.  However, my mother and I still talk a lot, about everything under the sun, and maybe part of it can be explained away because as women we do go through similar experiences, but I think if you take that position it is too easy of a cop-out.

The point is my mother regrets all those years when my brother was lost to her - he was always a good kid, played hockey, stayed above water in school - but if he tended to drift around on the weekends, or missed his curfew, or slept most of the day - there was nothing…

I don’t want to be in this position with my son…

Looking for a few good writers… July 16, 2008

I am feeling frustrated of late as I sit and try to find some fellow writers to connect with. I have joined some of the “mommy writer” listservs, but they are too centered on being a mommy. Yes, I already know that I am a mommy and just sitting around and dissing about the absurdities that fill my day - do absolutley nothing for my writing. I would like a little more focus on the craft, and a little less focus on the diaper changes.

The other frustrating thing about these groups are that many of them were established ages ago, and have about one million members, so that there is really no accounting, or welcoming, or acknowledging of new members. Therefore, many of the posts are centered on inside jokes, or are the tell all emails to the entire group, that I am not really sure that I need to be reading.

Anyway, I would love to be part of a community, of serious (yet fun-loving - if that isn’t too contradictory) women (mothers or not) who have a passion for writing and are searching for ways to move their writing forward. As of the moment I am still looking! However, my idea for the fall is to put a ”call to arms” (otherwise known as an advertisement) in our community paper and see if I can kick start a writing group, and see where it leads me to. I figure if you can’t join ‘em you might as well beat ‘em, or something to that effect…

The Mother I Am… May 7, 2008

I often wonder what kind of a mother I am. Where do I fit on the spectrum of motherliness? And what exactly is on that spectrum anyway? I say this not because I am insecure in my relationship with my children, but I  wonder what kind of a mother I am in relation to my own mother.

I have been thinking a lot about that lately - about the things my mother did, and didn’t do, and I wonder why she made particular decisions. For example, why did she think it was a good idea for me to get a perm in grade 4? Looking back at family pictures it certainly wasn’t because it was attractive.

I wonder why on earth she didn’t censor the make up choices I made in Grade 7? I mean I realize it was the early 80’s, but come on, the blue frosted eye shadow up to my eyebrows was a bit much! I wonder this particularly because my mother always looked so put together, and I don’t recall seeing any family photos of her with blue eyeshadow up to there!

I also wonder about recent comments my mother has made to me, that she allowed my brother too much freedom, and that she wasn’t there emotionally for him when he most needed it.

I wonder all these things as I slowly engage in the struggle to raise both a daughter and a son. And by struggle I don’t mean in the sense that it is a chore that I could do without. I mean struggle in the sense that not a day goes by that I do not engage in making decisions, and sorting through choices - whose outcomes and resolutions will impact the lives of all involved.

These moments of choice can be overwhelming at times. Moments building upon moments - as each decision rests upon the one that came before - and your destination becomes something that was not recognizable at the outset.

My children are still young, but time has a way of moving at lightning speed once you become the grown up, and I see choices having more weight to bear as the future draws near. I trust that I will be ready to make these decisions as my children grow older, and that they will join me in this journey as they become more able to take part.

However, I am already set to veto the blue eyeshadow…

After awhile… April 22, 2008

A) I realize that is has been a long while since I have posted.

B) I also realize that it is kind of cheap to re-enter the world of blogging by posting someone else’s words, but…

C) April is poetry month, and this is one of my favorite poems. Not very uplifting, although it is in a roundabout way, and as someone who is soon to be pushing 40, I realize it is my defeats, much more than my successes, that have allowed me to expand my thinking and my growing…

 

After Awhile

by Veronica Shoffstall

After awhile you learn the difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning

and company doesn’t mean security,

and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

and presents aren’t promises

and you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes open

with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

and you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans

and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

and after awhile you learn.

That even sunshine burns if you get too much

so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure…

that you really are strong, and you really do have worth

and you learn, and you learn, with every good-bye you learn.

Recipe for a six room poem… February 14, 2008

As a writer I am always looking for words and images that will help me see the world a little more clearly - to really be able to describe the exact shade of purple I saw in the fading of the sunset, or how the yellow bowl filled with green apples looked set in the middle of the dining room table.

I find reading anything by Georgia Heard helps me to do this (Awakening the Heart; Creatures of Earth, Sea, & Sky; For the Good of the Earth & the Sun; Writing Towards Home).  Simplistic and stripped down, her writing simply illuminates the obvious, the stuff that was sitting right in front of your nose.  Yet it also provides enough detail that things can lodge themselves in my mind - helps me to see the small things that I might otherwise have overlooked.

One of the most useful of Georgia’s exercises is the writing of the “Six Room Poem”.  I don’t use it just to write poetry, but find it particularly helpful when I am trying to create/recreate an image, set the scene, or simply trying to breathe a little more life and a little more poetry into my everyday writing.  I have also used this exercise in a classroom setting with children to help them create poems.

This is how you do it: 

• Divide a piece of paper into six squares.
• In the 1st “room” think of something that you have seen that is amazing, beautiful, interesting, or that has just stayed in your mind.  Simply describe and write down what comes to your mind.
• In the 2nd room look at the same image in the first room - but just focus on the quality of light that surrounds the image (soft/harsh/daylight/moonlight), and what colors do you associate with the image.
• 3rd room - picture the same image but this time focus on only the sounds.  Are there any voices?  What is in the background?  What kind of silence do you hear?  Lonely?  Peaceful?
• 4th room - write down any questions you have about the image.  Anything you want to know more about?
• 5th room - write down any feelings you have about this same image.  Rage? Frustration? Peace?
• 6th room - look over the five rooms and select one word, or a few words/phrase/or sentence that feels important and repeat it three times.

Finished!  Now all you need to do is spend some time looking over what you wrote.  Other ideas/feelings might arise about the image as you spend some time reflecting on the image.  Now you are ready to create your poem/paragraph/whatever you want to accomplish with the image - by rearranging and eliminating the words or sentences you have created.

 Have fun!  I will try to post one of my “images” in the next few days.

These words still sound right… February 13, 2008

I was cleaning out my old teaching file this afternoon when I stumbled upon the following words. They were handed to me shortly after September 11, 2001. At the time I lived three blocks from the World Trade Center, and I actually still do. I watched as our downtown world became forever altered, and I have watched over the years as children and families and life have all returned to our once empty streets. These words gave me hope then, and they continue to ring true these many years later….

“Stop thinking this is all there is…Realize that for every ongoing war and religious outrage and environmental devastation and Iraq attack plan, there are a thousand counter-balancing acts of staggering generosity and humanity and art and beauty happening all over the world, right now, on a breathtaking scale, from flower box to cathedral…Resist the temptation to drown in fatalism, to shake your head and sigh and just throw in the karmic towel…Realize that this is the perfect moment to change the energy of the world, to step right up and crank you personal volume; right when it seems dark and bitter and offensive and acrimonious and conflicted and bilious..there’s your opening. Remember magic. And finally, believe you are part of a groundswell, a resistance, a seemingly small but actually very, very large impending karmic overhaul, a great shift, the beginning of something important and potent and unstoppable.”

Author - Mark Morford

Popcorn 101 February 10, 2008

I love popcorn!  (The kind you make at home, not the stuff they serve at movie theatres).  There is something about making popcorn that makes one feel young again.  Maybe it is because I have memories of the popcorn maker and how excited we would get as kids when my mom would bring out the blessed appliance!  The first one we had was one of the dome ones - where you used oil and melted butter on the top while it was popping.  We then updated to an airpopper - and we almost held our breath until the popped corn came rushing out the funnel.  The advent of microwave popcorn took something away from the entire experience, plus it just didn’t taste fresh.  Popcorn all of a sudden became just another processed food filled with strange chemicals and additives - instead, of a special treat.

Lately there has been a bit of “popcorn renaissance” going on at my house.  I have thrown out the microwave popcorn and have returned to the good old days of making popcorn in a large pot, with oil, on the stove.  I have also been playing with toppings other than simply “butter and salt”.  I have listed some of my favorite recipes below.  So go pop some corn, snuggle into the couch, and enjoy this mid-winter break!

My Personal Favorite

Plain and simple!  I melt a little Earth Balance and then toss it onto the popped corn and then sprinkle a little nutritional yeast on top - mix - and eat! You could also try spraying the popcorn with olive oil - you just need something so the yeast will stick to the kernels.

Spicy Parmesan Popcorn (The Garden of Vegan - Tanya Barnard & Sarah Kramer)

A very grown up way to enjoy popcorn!  Delicious and nutritious! 

1/4 cup flax oil

2 tsp spice mix (2 tbsp chili powder; 2 tsp onion powder; 2 tsp cumin; 2 tsp garlic powder; 2 tsp oregano; 1 tsp paprika; 1 tsp salt; 1/2 tsp cayenne).

1/3 cup soy Parmesan cheese

large bowl of popped corn.

Stir the flax oil and spice mix together first; add to popcorn; then add Parmesan and mix. 

Ooey-Gooey, Feeling Sorry for Yourself on a Saturday Night Popcorn

Shredded soy cheddar cheese

Earth Balance Spread

Salt

Popped Corn

You might have to play with the quantities until you have the proportions right.  The amount of cheese and Earth Balance I use seems to vary with how sorry for myself I am feeling.  Place soy cheddar and earth balance in microwave, heat until melted, pour over popped corn.  Add salt to taste.

101 Ways to Eat Tofu… January 29, 2008

 Okay, not quite 101 ways to eat tofu - but you can find some recipes below that will get you started. I feel that I need to champion that grossly misunderstood block of white, jiggly stuff that is also known as tofu. I looove tofu! In all it’s glorious forms (shaken, stirred, fried, steamed, baked, pureed). It is an amazing versatile addition to any kitchen and once people can get over their squeamishness they will be surprised at the possibilities.

I do not quite understand the hesitancy that arises when people wax poetic about how disgusting tofu is. My first response is that they have never had it cooked properly to have that many bad associations with it. My second response is that there are far more disgusting things that people put in their mouths and label haute cuisine - steak tartare, caviar, foie gras - are a few that come to mind. So, why does everyone pick on a humble little product made of coagulated soy milk?

Tofu on its own is completely tasteless. So, years ago when tofu was first introduced to the Western world you might have had an overenthusiastic health foodie serve you steamed tofu - with nothing else added - which is not the way it is meant to be tasted. The best thing about tofu is its sponge like properties. It soaks up absolutely any flavor that you put on it, or that you add it to. Try at least one of the following recipes on for size and see if it doesn’t change your mind about tofu, or introduce someone in your household or family to these recipes and see if their opinions change. Happy cooking!

Tofu Chimichangas (The Garden of Vegan - Tanya Barnard & Sarah Kramer)

1/4 cup Braggs

3 Tbsp Nutritional Yeast

1/2 tsp each onion and garlic powder

1 cup water

1 lb. firm tofu, diced

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 small onion, chopped

1 Tbsp olive oil

1/4 tbsp. chili powder

1/2 tsp cumin

6 tortilla shells

2 cups vegan refried beans

1 cup soy cheese, grated

1/3 cup olives (optional)

In medium bowl stir together Braggs, nutritional yeast, onion powder, garlic powder, and water. Add tofu and let marinate for 1-2 hours or overnight in the refrigerator. Preheat oven to 350 F. Drain the marinated tofu and set aside. In a medium saucepan over medium heat, saute the garlic and onions in oil until onions are translucent. Add tofu, chili powder, and cumin. Stir together and cook for 8-10 minutes while mashing tofu with wooden spoon. Set aside. Place tortilla shells on a flat surface. In the middle of each shell evenly divide the tofu mixture, beans, soy cheese, and olive. Wrap up and place on baking sheet/dish. Bake for 10-15 minutes, or until tortillas are browned. Serve with guacamole and salsa.

BBQ Baked Tofu (Veganomicon - Isa Chandra Moskowitz & Terry Hope Romero)

1 jar of BBQ Sauce (the original recipe use a BBQ recipe in the book, but I usually just use a jarred sauce)

1 lb tofu, drained and pressed, cut width-wise into eighths

2 tbsps peanut oil

1 tbsp soy sauce

Preheat the oven to 350. In a 9×18 inch (preferably glass or ceramic) baking pan, dredge the tofu in the peanut oil and soy sauce to coat on both sides. Bake for 15 minutes, then flip the slices and bake for 15 minutes more. Meanwhile prepare whatever sauce you are using. When tofu is done baking, pour the BBQ sauce over it. Return to the oven and bake for 15 more minutes. Remove from the oven and serve.

Fried “Egg” Sandwich (The Garden of Vegan - Tanya Barnard & Sarah Kramer)

This is my all-time favorite breakfast sandwich! Delicious, nutritious, and easy to make!

1 tbsp nutritional yeast

1/8 tsp each pepper and salt

2 slices firm tofu (about the size of your bread)

1 tsp olive oil

Vegannaise

Sprouts/Lettuce/Tomato/Avocado - or anything else you might want to add.

On a small plate stir together the nutritional yeast, salt, and pepper. Dip both sides of the tofu into the mix to coat. In a large frying pan over medium-high heat, saute the tofu in oil until browned. Flip and cook other side. Assemble sandwich using toasted bread, mayo, tofu, and whatever vegetables you want. You can serve it either open-faced or sandwich style

Don’t Be Afraid of the Cold… January 22, 2008

I haven’t been running lately.  It all started just before Thanksgiving when I awoke with a sniffly nose and congestion in my chest.  My breathing was somewhat labored - enough to let me know that I shouldn’t go for a run that day.  So, took the week off - tried to move and walk as  much as I could - things stayed together, somewhat….

Headed into Thanksgiving - wham!  Hit by another sniffle, cold, annoying thing.  Not enough to be fully incapacitated - but enough to limit my activity.  Took another week off.  This time we were in the Adirondacks - not as much opportunity to move when you have two young children in tow.  They are too little to skate, or ski.  We walked a little bit, and played outside a little bit more.  Mostly we sat around and ate and drank (my husband and I drank, not the kids) - not the best fitness strategy, but hey I figured I would be back in business next week.  So, I took another week off from running.

And then December happened, and along came something very unusual.  In those two short weeks when I was down for the count with some silly sniffling thing - I forgot to make room for running in my life.  Sure, I was busy running around - sending out queries, baking cookies, buying presents, mailing cards - but somehow running simply dropped from my list of things “to do”.  Now, I have been running for 18 years - I have a long and convoluted love relationship with my running.  It is me.  It is what I love to do.  Running has always been there for me - carrying me through crazy times, happy times, sad times.  It is generally not something that I forget to do!  How on earth did I replace my deep and committed running relationship with the sordidness of holiday busyness!

It just happened.  It snuck up on me so slowly that it took me six weeks to even notice that running was missing.  For the past four years, since the birth of our first child, Saturday morning has become about me busily negotiating with my husband as to when, and for how long, I can fit a run in that will coincide with all of the weekend plans that we need to accomplish as a family.  Then suddenly one Saturday I awoke and realized that it had been an awfully long time since I had participated in the those negotiations.  A two week sniffle - had turned into a six week lapse. 

Then I read the article in the New York Times this past Friday -  ”Too Cold to Exercise?  Try Another Excuse”, written by Gina Kulata.  The title pretty much sums up the substance of the article.  In other words, it has to get pretty darn cold for you to use it as an excuse to exercise outside in the winter - no, your lungs will not freeze, and yes, you should always where a hat.   And then I realized that is exactly what I had been doing.  I was born and raised in the Canadian West and am no stranger to cold.  I used to play hockey outside with my brother until my toes and fingers were frozen and then only come inside for a quick hot chocolate and then head out again.  However, I had to admit that living in NYC these past few years had turned me into a softie.  I had missed the great outdoors.  That is where I love to run.  Treadmills are okay in a pinch, like maybe a torrential rain storm - but really my instinct has always to be outside - with the wind in my face, and the pavement pounding at my feet.

 So, I hit the great outdoors with a vengeance this past weekend!  Temperatures in the Adirondacks dipped to below zero (yes, that is below zero in Fahrenheit, not Celsius) - good old Canadain winter type temperatures!  And there I was.  Heading onto the road - bundled up somewhat - a little cold at first - but before I knew it I was running, and warming up, and giggling to myself, and reminding myself that this 38 year old body could definitely feel like a child again!

It feels good to be reunited with my running.  I am a better person when I run.  A better mother, a better wife, a better writer, a better daughter, a better sister.  It is as if running unites all the roles and responsibilities that make up my being and unites them into one.  I cannot explain it, but it sure feels good to have rediscovered it.  

Every Woman Should Have & Should Know by the Time She is 30… January 1, 2008

As I read through my old journals this morning in an attempt to find any material that might inspire, I found the following lists.  It was originally published in GlamourMagazine (1997) by Pamela Redmond Satran.  It has also made it rounds as an electronic chain letter over the years.  I find the list poignant in an odd sort of way - a lot of truth lies behind these little words.  Plus, now that I am over 30 by some years it is comforting to realize that I do indeed have more, and know more than I thought I did!  I hope they might serve to inspire and motivate as we march into 2008!

Every Woman Should Have by the Time She is 30…

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you have come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place of your own, even if you never want to, or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you are not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you are content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough you are looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realisation that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regime, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30.
15. A solid start in a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better after 30.

What Every Woman Should Know by the Time She is 30…

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and would not like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you would never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you will get it.
8. That you cannot change the length of your calves, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents.
9. That you childhood may not have been perfect, but it is over.
10. What you would and would not do for love.
11. How to live alone, even if you do not like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you cannot, and why you should not take it personally.
13. Where to go - be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods - when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and cannot accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30!